The Blue Unicorn Journals: March 2008

"Just because you cant say something out loud doesn't mean you don't want to say it. In fact, you really want to but consequences can be damning and so, even if you desperately want to tell someone something, you opt to just keep it to yourself... besides, who said you can't love someone without having to tell them that you do?"

Alot of people has been in this situation one time or another, when after living an almost perfect life with someone who showers you with every known expression of love and care then suddenly you meet a another person who would fit a shoes tag as " beyond perfect"...

This new guy who would ignite every bit of passion within you that you thought all along was exhausted long ago...

From the pages of my diary...

(It was about 6 months...6 months which felt like an eternity that I've spent with this guy...6 months of pure joy.... we never had any commitments, we were just each others emotional pillow, each others sexual pill...

But those moments abruptly stopped dead one day. And another day. And another day. i tried calling his cellular phone, but my call was rejected. He knew I tried calling. I had hoped for a follow up. But days passed. Weeks passed. A month passed. He just disappeared. Nothing. I don't know if it was pride or self-preservation that kept me from bugging him. Which up to now, I know was the best thing I did. But my heart, waited. And waited. Like a forlorn lover. It had robbed me my heart. Until I didn't want to use it anymore. My days went by without any emotions. Parang robbot ba. Kase if I start feeling anything, kahit awa sa officemate ko. I'd just feel pain. Pain together with a picture of his face, forever imprinted on my mind. I would always look at a black car hoping it was him. Every car park. Every road. My heart was mourning for the loss. It was like losing someone in the war, not knowing if he's alive or not. What happened. And they are all bottled inside this tortured heart.

One day after three months. I saw him sa Alabang Town Center. Inside Tequila Joe's. The world stopped and all the pain that I had kept inside wanted to burst and bleed inside the restaurant. I was with a group of straight friends. He looked at me across the room.

"Friday's na lang tayo gusto nyo?" i asked my friends. Di ko kaya. Mahal dito, sabi ko. Kunwari tawa pa kame ng tawa, just to hide the thousand knifes pinned right through and through me.

"Cge tingnan natin." agreed a friend.

We went to Friday's and everything went silent. Wala akong naririnig but my own pain inside. Pain of seeing him again. I had not admitted that I truly loved him before he had left, but the moment I knew that i had lost him. I knew. I loved him so much, even if i had stopped myself from doing so. The sight of him was such a shock, like a knife slicing through my ribs, into my the center of my heart. May family siya. He's got a a kid who's like five years old. And an infant na karga ng wife niya. I wanted to go home and weep. Not for finding out that he's married. But the pain of how easy it was for him to just leave and move on. I am a decent person. What we had was six months. There had been no commitment, but still, sabi nga ni Cameron Diaz sa Vanilla Sky, sleeping with someone gives an unspoken commitment, much more if it dragged for half a year. I knew the risks of heartbreak and loss. But a deliberate walking out without a word. It's like playing with someone else's feelings. I need not say it, but he owed something to me. Explanation.

"Tol, me tumatawag sayo." sabi ni Jeric, friend ko, jolting me out of my reverie. He pointed out to a man outside Friday's. He looked great as ever. I told myself, i am a mature person. I must handle this, like the person i perceived and prepared myself to be.

"UUYY!!!! musta!!!" masayang bati ko ke Eric. "Nawala ka ah. Balita?"

He asked me if we can talk sa malapit sa parking. So we did.

"Kita nga kita kanina. Wife mo ba yon?" kunwari very nonchalant ako.

"Darwin, stop it."

He called me by that name. And stop I did. I knew if I stopped, the pain will replace it. And pain dwelled for the most painful moment. "Ok, Eric, what did you want to say..." serious na ko. Nakatingin ako sa kanya.

"Musta ka na." tanong lang ni niya.

"What do you think?" I paused. "Ineexpect mo ba na kulitin kita? Sorry. You left without a word. You didn't give me that much decency. And the last thing I want to give you now is the luxury of knowing how much you've hurt me. Because you did. And that's the end of it. But you know what, if you're talking to me just to assuage your conscience and your guilt, sorry but you'll have to do that on your own. I can't stay long, but I'm thankful for this opportunity coz somehow I can close my book and move on."

It was the most painful point. Walking away. With my heart numb. Yet i knew that time, had i felt anything i'd have broken down to that little child I really was when it came to the game of love and cry and cry and cry. I drove and drove that night, left my friends with a plausible excuse. I did a lot of soul-searching. Not self-pity. But in my time alone, i set the floodgates free and let all my tears flow...flow till there was no more. Till I was tired of crying. Crying not for a loss. But crying just to let pent up emotions free.

That night I went home. Everyone was asleep. I changed. I went to my parents' room, snuggled up with my Mom and my Dad. And slept soundly for the first time in a long while.

THE END